WHAT'S SCARIER?

Of all the characters in Stephen King's novels, the scariest to me is Pennywise the clown. What's a scarier picture than Boris Karlof, the master of fright, in a clown suit?

I don't know if my aversion to clowns came from Kox Kiddie Kollege or Alfred Hitchcock. But I don't like them. Never did.

As a four year old, I lived just around the corner from a pre-school called Kox Kiddie Kollege. My school district, West Salem, had no kindergarten back then, so I went to the pre-school. Fittingly, both of our children also went to Kox Kiddie Kollege.

My first girlfriend was Ida Sue Lund. My first fight was over her. Benny Kaelin also was enamored with her five year old charms. So we duked it out, right there. I don't think either of us got too bloody over it, but somehow I don't remember Ida Sue falling for either of us. So where's the clown come in?

Halloween was celebrated early and often back then in the Midwest in a small town. I remember one year our first trick-or-treater appeared on our doorstep on October 6. So when trick-or-treat came early that year, our classmates showed up in their costumes before we wore them to school to guess who was under those garments. While I didn't hit the neighborhood for early treats, I dragged out my lion's costume to show the others how neat it was, complete with tail. When it came time to guess the identities, most had already seen all the other's costumes. Except for Benny's clown costume.

Stoically, he stood, silently never giving us a clue. I tried to remember who was left. I drew a blank. I started thinking, "Hey, this kid's not in our class. He's scary."

Finally, someone remembered Benny, and the game was up. I hope it wasn't Ida Sue who missed him and figured it out, but I can't remember.

Move ahead about 4 years. I'm watching The Alfred Hitchcock Theater on tv. In the Old West, a guy and his ventriloquist dummy are traveling around in an old stage coach. They perform shows in various towns. Come to find out, the dummy is the big guy, who you thought was human, and the one you thought was the dummy was a midget. Deception. Sleight of hand. And it freaked me out. So while he wasn't quite a clown, he was made up with those marks from his lips to his chin so he could move his mouth. Scary to a nine year old who liked things to be what they appeared to be.

Now if Boris were only a midget in that clown outfit.