I'M CLEAN, SO CLEAN, SIGN ME UP

With Sen. George Mitchell's report on steroids and human growth hormones hot in the news right now, please allow me to put something to rest. I'm completely clean. Always have been.

Wait, a minute; that's not right. If they ever did a sugar test, then I'm afraid I wouldn't pass. I always chewed bubblegum when I played. Even in college intramurals. Even when our first baseman/pitcher chewed tobacco. He was married, too.

But it was still no problem for me. I was not tempted. To chew, that is. Marriage was tempting and I fell prey not long after college fast pitch. But I still chewed gum.

Steroids? I don't think so. It was a few years after my career ended except for wiffle ball, that steroids made the news. With the death of Lyle Alzado, a great player for the Raiders. He made it till he was 43. So I honestly thought all the steroid use dropped off after that. I mean Alzado was a man! For a brief time. Then he shriveled and died. When will they ever learn?

Human growth hormone? I thought that was milk. Guess not. Again, it was before my time, but I don't think I would have been interested. You see, I didn't care all that much for milk.

So unless they test for sugar (actually my sugar or glucose level was perfect on my last physical, but I haven't played baseball for a long time now), I'm clean. Now what position could I play?

Never mind. I'm afraid I'd be as out of it as ALF. And if anyone would take a flyer on me, it'd probably be the Cubs. If that were my only choice, well, I'd sit that season out.