WORLD'S FASTEST GROWING TREE

I bought a bottle, or a vial, or a Visine size container of some kind of growth promise for plants. It's not Miracle-Gro. It's not RoundUp, the weed killer that a maintenance worker at MTV threw on the high school football field last July to help grow the grass for football season.

But it promises that if you follow directions, you can have a healthy plant grow radically, I forget the exact term. And I'd have to get up from the computer and walk probably 42 steps to examine the actual bottle. Much too much effort required, but you get the picture. Or you will when I tell you.

So it tells me to mix one drop in a gallon of water and douse the desired growing area. One drop from the eye dropper enclosed. Now if it's that powerful and I wanted a huge navel orange tree that produces as many oranges as my juice tree then all I'd have to do is add 20 drops. Right?

Now, if someone wanted to hide the old car in the picture, after a hit-and-run accident, all they have to do is buy 12 bottles and mix with one gallon. The little tree would explode in fast growth and help hide the car.

It only makes perfect mathematical sense. And if you think it doesn't; if you think you have another explanation for this picture, then I, for one, would like to hear it.