CHAMELEON

I'm glad we mostly have cameras that detect speeding and red light running. Not that I do either. Well, since they allow you ten miles over the limit in AZ, that is. And if going through an intersection when a very yellow light changes, that is. So, that is, I'm a legal law abiding driver.

But if I ever get pulled over, and if they ever scrutinize my license, they'll see that my height and weight are pretty close to what they say, again, allowing for a 10 pound difference. I'm all up to date on expiration. Good at least for 5 more years or so.

But where they may squawk is eye color. You see, I'm a chameleon. If I'm wearing blue, then that's my eye color. But put some green on me and suddenly I'm a green eyed guy. Gray, same thing. Red, ditto. Ok, I'm kidding about the red. But the other three colors are dictated by my clothing choice.

I think both of our kids are that way, too, but honestly I'm not 100% sure. Isn't that crazy not to know. As much as I like to look at eyes, I'd have trouble telling you what color most people have. Now, I know our children and grandchildren have blue, but how many are chameleon, I'm uncertain.

And lots of my close friends, well, I'd only be guessing as to whether they are brown or blue. I had a student once that wanted to change her eye color from brown to blue and she did by buying new contacts. I'm sure I would never have noticed.

I guess if that's the only irregularity on my license, I'm probably more accurate than most. But, just on the safe side, I'll try to be more careful behind the wheel.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AN ENGLISH TEACHER NOW?"

That's what Mary Foreman should have told me during a very late meeting one time. We were working after school hours on some kind of assessment or evaluation that was upcoming. And we had to be prepared to defend whatever we were doing in the classroom. I mean we were spending taxpayer money, and you know how Americans love to throw money at educating their children.

I was in my first year teaching at the high school from which I matriculated. I was in a group of teachers who had taught me English. I was getting so frustrated re-hashing, revisiting, revising language that some education expert who hadn't been in the classroom for years if ever would read and react.

Suddenly I blurted out, "haven't we already gotten that?" As soon as I said it, I thought "haven't gotten"? Maybe better than "haven't got", but still terrible syntax. Especially for an English teacher. With Margaret Ann Cummings and Mary Foreman in the meeting. Two of the most articulate stickers of the language in any high school anywhere. Why I couldn't have said, "Don't we already have that?" But no.

Neither say anything. It didn't lessen the embarrassment. They had to know. They had to remember that this student turned teacher returned to his naive and grammatically incorrect youth and uttered in an English Dept. meeting, "Haven't we already gotten that?"

So, if I still remember the moment 37 years expose facto, well what does that say about me? Anyway(s), when I see the commercial "Got Milk?" and all the alternatives, I think to myself, "Shouldn't it be "Have Milk?"

ANY ROOF RATS IN THERE?

When you live or perhaps visit the West, you hear about roof rats. I've never actually seen one, but I've heard about them.

It seems that they love citrus when there's no other water available. Which is most of the time where I live. Oh, we'll be ok, as long as California and Colorado leave our water alone. But when you get about 4 inches a year, that doesn't leave much for the roof rats. As opposed to rug rats.

Why they live on roofs and I guess in attics is a mystery to me. But recently Bill, a roofer , told me a little about them.

Basically, they are pack rats. What he hates about them is that they make their nests with cactus, and as a roofer he comes across their nests sometimes by accident. In a recent discovery, he found candy canes in a nest. When he informed his customer, she said they were part of an outdoor Christmas display. She thought some neighborhood kids took them. Just your friendly pack rat/roof rat maybe preparing for his own Christmas display later in the year.

We don't have a lot of cats that spend much time outdoors. You see, coyotes love to eat them. And while our coyotes are running out of space do to urban sprawl, maybe we'll see an influx of cats to combat the rats.

But I love the coyotes. Maybe if we could teach them how tasty a roof rat is. Naugh, then they'd be running on top of our houses, making little coyote dens up there and attacking the roofers like Bill.

THE WINDMILL IN CLAYTON, GA

Out of a cheap 1950's horror flick, the windmill appears to fit that age more closely than today. Is it functional? It should be. And we should have tons more of them. Along with solar panels.

I received an e-mail that was making the rounds on the internet that posted the price of different kinds of liquids in relationship to a gallon of gasoline. You've seen them. Evian, white out, Pepto Bismol--all much more expensive than gasoline.

But our country has a real problem with oil. We just don't have enough to sate our demands. If you don't think we demand, then just start counting cars, SUVs, and trucks next time you're in traffic. At my last stop light, I counted 14 of the big guys, oops, I didn't count my own--15, compared to 2 automobiles. That was just a random sampling, obviously, but try it and see what you find.

Since the late 1990's we have imported more oil than we produce. The greens won't allow Arctic drilling, off-shore drilling, or encourage more drilling with tax incentives. In fact, oil companies have done such a poor job of public relations that most hate Big Oil and windfall profits. Even when Big Oil includes farm owners who have mineral rights and who still have stripper wells.

And the same people hate the Middle East and claim we're in a war because of oil. "Blood for Oil" they call it.

So let's see if I have this right. People in Big Oil should drill for more in the USA. But not in most places. They should bear the cost/gamble and not pass that on to the already strapped consumer. We should not import oil from the Middle East or Venezuela. And, yes, finally, it's our right, our entitlement to cheap oil and gas to run our Hummers which get 9 miles per gallon. Don't forget our heating costs to keep our houses at 76 degrees.

Windmills and solar panels. We need them bad.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG?

Summer nights, well one Summer night took you away from me. Not far. Twenty-five miles or so. To the north, not that it matters. What matters is, you weren't there. And she was.

"Just how long are you and Amanda going to go out?" she asked me. That long Summer night. That long ago time.

"Just until you'll go out with me," I blurted it out.

"What's stopping us now?" was her equally blunt response.

"Let's go for a walk," I offered.

"People will talk," she countered.

"Let them." I was building my courage.

The boat dock was brand new. There were only a handful of boats, mostly ski boats, in the area. One pontoon, used only sporadically by the son of a local physician. We sat on the edge facing the water with our backs to the crowd. We were far enough away that we would have had to have been followed for anyone to see. It was as secluded as we could be.

"Do you ever read the stars?" I asked.

"Read the stars?"

"Yeah, like reading tea leaves. or palms, or tarot cards?" I continued.

"I'm sure you're going to tell me."

My confidence took a hit with her last comment.

"No, I can't do it. I thought maybe you could," I panicked.

"Nope. You're kinda stupid," she correctly surmised.

You see, Amanda and I were perfect for each other after all.

Hope you have a good April Fool's Day.

OPENING DAY

I've waxed poetically about Opening Day for years. I know, technically the Sox and A's opened in Japan last week and the Braves and Nats teed it up last night. But everybody knows that Opening Day isn't official until the Redlegs play the first game of the season to honor the first game played by them back in the 1800's. And, I know it's the Reds, but I'm a purist in some areas; the ones I choose.

So what do you say about Opening Day in Major League baseball? It's a great day because it means warmer weather is on the way. Especially for Midwesterners and Easterners who both had rough, rough Winters. For the Southerners, the Spring rains and storms unfortunately will continue. But in between, the weather takes on that indiscribable Spring feeling in the air.

Things are still good at the old ballpark. New ones are opening all the time. They try to resemble the old parks and that's a good thing. The cookie cutter, multi-stadiums with astroturf have fallen thankfully by the wayside. Unfortunately, one that needs to go--Wrigley won't, and the one that needs to stay--Yankee Stadium is leaving after this season. At least Fenway is staying, though their fans are getting more obnoxious all the time. I liked them better when they never won.

So for my team the Cardinals, it looks somewhat bleak, but it could be exciting with a lot of unprovens and comebacks from lingering injuries. And, as they proved in 2006, all you have to do is make it to the playoffs and then anything can happen. As for my second faves, the Diamondbacks, I'm afraid they'll have a tough time repeating. It seems almost no teams do anymore. Even the big spending Sox spread out their championships by two years.

What about the Cubbies and their 100 years of futility? Will this be the year? It could. But I don't think it will. Again, it's so tough to repeat.

So, Mr. Predictor, who's it gonna be in '08? I'd say the Tigers over the Mets. But as Andujar used to say in one word "youneverknow".

But when that first, "Play ball!" is spoken to inugurate the season, it takes me back to the Little League fields just off Broadway and 20th Street in Mt. Vernon circa 1957-62.

WHAT'S A PHYSICIST DO ANYWAY(S)?

I never knew what I wanted to do. But when I was very young, I told people that's what I wanted to be--a physicist. I must have heard it somewhere.

Then I wanted to be a catcher for the St. Louis Cardinals. That didn't work out either.

I told one of my high school teachers that I wanted to teach history. She kinda laughed at me as her eyes widened in mock disbelief.

Then for a year in college I was an accounting major. Somehow I think I was closer to my vocation when I wanted to play for St. Louis.

I re-visited teaching when draft deferments extended from student to teacher. I was real interested in that.

So after teaching a year, I started to get interested in coaching. But all that time and devotion, well, I never had it as a youth and never had it as I grew older. Eventually, I wound up announcing 3 sports for 35 seasons.

After grad school, I still pursued studies because I wanted more money. I tried gifted education, museum education, and administration. I was stacking up hours that parlayed into more money, but again, I was just scuffling around.

I wound up in an elementary principal class and thought I might like that. My teacher had other ideas. He hated high school male coaches who wanted to become el ed principals. His second hatred was high school male teachers who wanted to become el ed principals.

I knew I was sunk when he introduced me to his wife at our last class meeting held at his house. He called me "Ned". Sure enough, I got a B in the class.

End of story? Sorta. You see, I never could decide what I wanted to do, so I retired.