DANG SPURS

I'm still trying to get used to the Western way of life. So I've started wearing spurs.

Don't laugh. I've spent a lot of money getting them fastened to sandals. No wonder the cowboys were all bowlegged. I mean, you don't want to spike, or spur yourself.

Plus, I haven't figured out how to get in or out of my car without shredding the upholstery. But it's worth it, you know, to be a cowboy.

Not being a great equine rider, I never even liked to hit the sides of my feet hard against the horse. "That won't hurt him, big old guy," I was told. But hang nails and paper cuts hurt me, so I didn't like urging him to go. And I sure didn't want him to go faster and get me bouncing in that saddle.

I know. You think I'm silly. You think I've forgotten to take them off when I crawl into bed. Only once.

COME SEE US OUT WEST

Oh, things have gotten a little worse for us. But we still have good weather in October. What? The rest of the country does, too. Well, come see us anyhow. You see, our Senator, John McCain is about to get steamrolled in this election, and what with the economy, well we need visitors to pump up our state coffers.

You see, we also have a do-nothing Governor, too. She has no more clue about how to fix the economy that the guy we're about to put in charge of the whole country. A man who has never managed anything and voted party lines nearly 100% of the time (at least the times he cared to cast a vote) and now thinks he can reach across party divisions and be a uniter. Well, he'll have a Dem. Senate and Dem. House, so he shouldn't even have to stretch.

But I digress. I know how to solve this mess. Just call Al Gore.

In the meantime, come to the good old West. You can stay with me. Bring some work clothes, though. After we fix up the house, we'll go bowling.

JIMINY, I'VE NEVER SEEN

a live scorpion or rattlesnake in Arizona. I hope I keep that record intact for a long time.

They tell me scorpions love crickets. Once in awhile we get a jiminy in our house. He doesn't last long. I get to him before any scorpions can have a chance. Fortunately geckos also love crickets, and we're blessed with a plethora of them. Both in the front and back.

I generally turn on porch lights to check them out before I retire for the evening. Fat ones, see through ones, little ones, I really like them. I scare them when I get too close for the sole purpose of examination, but I don't want them to leave.

Even when they get into our garage or house, though I've never had very many, no more than one at a time, and none than are even close to being called full grown, I won't extract them to the great outdoors. I used to, but they never stay long at all. Just an overnight.

So while I like the Jiminys, I'm afraid scorpions like them better. I'm rooting for the geckos to find them first.

PIERRE CARDIN AND BLUE JEANS

Both are overrated. First, Cardin. Nice outfit he designed. I can just see people flocking to the malls to buy this striking outfit that limits total movement. Even this frail model looks fat in it, so I'm sure it will be a great item.

I really like the antenna on top. It would be easy to grab that and throw the model to the ground. Then what's she to do, since she can't move? Secondly, she's near a beach. I hope it's a cool one, because I'd sweat like crazy in that garb.

Now, to blue jeans. Has any staple of clothing been more overrated? When blue jeans fit, they are fantastic and look acceptable with a lot of accessories. But why can't they fit better? And I'm not talking about just now.

In my entire life, I've probably had less than half a dozen that were as comfortable as they are advertised. Counting jean shorts as well. Various brands and cuts just don't and have never really fit me perfectly. Plus, I don't have that problem with khaki or dress pants. But jeans are too loose or too tight in the wrong places.

When I find a pair, I wear them out. I wear them out in the wrong places, too, where even today, they wouldn't be acceptably ripped or patched. Faded or dark, stone washed or heavily blue dyed, it doesn't matter. The fit--I don't get.

So if I reject blue jeans and Pierre, where does that leave me? With my favorites. A tank top, shorts and sandals. Or my second favorite: a long sleeve tee shirt and shorts and sandals, but not flip flops. That divider between my big toes and the piggy that stayed home pinches me too much.

That's the TQ line of clothing. It's limited. Because of audience appeal.

WE ALL NEED OUR TONTO

But what happens when we have two Tontos? Well, it generally doesn't work.

Why? I think it must be a numbers thing. I know it's not an age thing, because I've observed it at all ages.

In fact, I think it where the expression, "Play nice," originated from. Two can get along well. For a long period of time. When the third gets added to the mix, that's when one Tonto is enough.

Add a fourth, fifth, or tenth to go along and it's no problem. Many times, just adding a fourth along with the third is ok. A third only. Makes the game 2 on 1. For some reason.

I haven't figured out why it works that way. It just does. The more the merrier may work, but "one more makes it merrier," doesn't. Not when there are three. And two Tontos doesn't work.

SORIANO ATTEMPTS HARI KARI

Erstwhile Cub outfielder thought he could take no more humiliation after the 9th consecutive Cub Playoff loss. While he didn't have the stomach to fall on his sword after Saturday night's loss, he was stupid enough to impale his cheek with two swords he borrowed from another erstwhile Cub outfielder Fukodome.

It was that kind of year for the Northsiders. What they're doing in the Playoffs anyway is obscene. I mean after 100 years of failing to win the World Series, I think they should have long ago been voted off the island. But with the baseball commissioner a former owner of the Brewers, I guess he wanted to allow them to keep playing and maybe make it to the Playoffs where they'd choke, naturally, and increase his old team's chances at a World Series. He even had the gall to force the Brewers to change leagues to be with the Cubs and increase their odds.

Soriano wasn't hurt by his actions with the sword. His feelings were hurt by hitting .083 for the series though after drawing a hefty paycheck. In fact, in the past two years, the Cubs have shelled out half a billion dollars in contracts to players and manager. The payoff: 0 wins in the Playoffs and two more years added to their futility.

To the good Cubs fans, and yes there are some, I apologize for this entry. For the typical Cub fan, all I can say is "wait till next year, but don't wait with baited breath." And as much as I don't care for the hot doggin' Soriano (and Zambrano), I hope he recovers quickly. I'd miss watching him lunge for that low and away slider.

WE NEVER KNEW HOW FAR WE'D GET

So often times, actually, the few times we went on vacation when I was a kid, we'd just drive till it got dark. Remember this was back in the day before. You know, before reservation systems, Map Quest, no limit minutes on long distance calls: I mean this was dinosaural.

So Dad just drove. My Mom was an in-town driver only. Me? Asleep in the backseat.

But had I been awake and seen the Lollipop Motel sign, well, that's where we would have spent the night. I was stupid enough to be attracted by the sign. I mean, it just looks like a fun place to stay. My parents would have tried to discourage me, but if I knew we needed a place to stay, that Dad was tiring and it was nearing dusk, then I had them.

For you see I was also spoiled. The baby in the family usually is. I was no exception. Except a little more rottenly spoiled than most. Did it harm me? Yeah, probably. But I think of the alternative and I'll take spoiled.

One example before I close. Buddy Greg played wiffle ball with his 4 year-old son. The son never won a game. "When he's good enough to beat me, then he'll win. Otherwise, he'll learn how to lose."

I'll take spoiled.