BAMBOOED

Only when I think

I'll never be the same again

Do prove myself wrong.

I knew a loner once

Who so tired of his solitary life

That he actually shaved his left leg

So he'd think he was sleeping with a woman at night. But as predictable as as any ritual

I tend to drift like a walk on the beach at near sunset when the tide is strong pulling one alee

Alee, asea. You see that's me

As you've tried and tried again, almost Horton-like

To bend, to re-mold, to shapen my leanings

I've rebelled at your touch

Repelled from what I know is right for me

I can't give up control. I fought too long and too to get it.

The upper hand, the finger on the trigger, the pitcher not the catcher

As the David of modernity, I have a heart for God.

I know it's like the half-heart jewelry of my youth

Me having one half/ You the other

But it's not that I want both;

Not that I ever want Your half back.

I just want You sometimes to put it in a drawer for safe keeping

And just let me steer for awhile.

AHH, SHUT UP


I don't know what it is, but stuff seems to bother me more lately.



Crystal Bowersox for one. How can she sing, Baby, I'm Amazed, and not changed "the man" to "the woman"? Granted I'm so far out of the loop that I couldn't tell you much about Lady Gaga or this twelve-year old looking Justin Bierber or something. But I never recall any singer taking a song with the gender in it and not altering it when making it personal. Except for the know-it-all Crystal.



So I suppose you're thinking why is this guy watching The American Idol anyhow. Well, I have my reasons.



I got started watching it after two former students of mine had a daughter that advanced to the Final Eight in the kid version of the show one Summer. At least I think that's the genesis for me. Which leads me to my second reason.



I abhor commercials. Even the Super Bowl commercials. So I surf channels when one comes on. I used to be able to watch two, sometimes 3 shows at the same time. That act never much appealed to my wife who claims to be the multi-tasked one in the family. But no worries now, because the tv got in bed with the advertisers and now most all commercials are on at the same time, which put an end to my dual or tri-watch. So I'm relatively certain that I found the singers in AI before Jordan McCoy starred. And let me add that Idol is very easy to watch that way. When too much Seacrest happens, which is almost always when his mug appears, just click; so I'm not really watching a lot of the show. With all the sports channels I get, that's where I am most of the evening.

The third, and I won't say final, but I may nevertheless write no more reasons, is Simon. I find myself agreeing with him more than any other judge. If it's terrible, that's what he tells them. Most at least listen, but as soon as Crystal starts getting some heat, constructive or not, she starts objecting. That's another time when I just want to say, "shut up".

So I guess you see that I'll be pulling for Lee in next week's finale. I've thought he was the only one to be able to beat her anyhow, though after three weeks or so, I thought Michael Lynch had a shot. He faded as much as last year's winner who's name is Chris Allen I believe, but he nor anyone else has performed better this year than Lambert with Mad World last season.

THE ANTI-CALVIN

The Kentucky Derby winner, Super Saver was ridden by jockey Calvin Boreal or Bo-rail as they like to call him because that's how he prefers to run his horse--close to the rail. But the guy pictured has it all wrong. He's on the outside rail with his right leg draped over the rail.

It wouldn't matter; I'd never bet on him anyhow. Most of those lizards are only posers. All I've ever see them do are push ups. They are good at a few of those, but on a race track? Not gonna happen.

I used to see one of these guys on The Phoenician Golf Course pretty regularly. He was on a low wall between number 8 and 9, but they redid the numbering when they completed an additional 9, so I'm not sure of the holes now. I used to have the name of the kind of lizard he is, too, but like a lot of things lately, I can't bring it to mind. Probably from the dearth of info I carry around. But I don't think I'll ever forget Bob Gibson's 1.12 ERA in 1968.

Actually, I'm probably better retaining stuff than I give myself credit for. On the West Coast cruise a former student came up to me and asked if I wasn't her old English teacher. She gave me her married name, but I recalled her maiden name from the '80's which impressed her hubby, not an MTV guy. But still.

Coach Gill used to call me a poser when I'd hit a good drive. He watched my follow through as I admired my shot down the middle. He was always teasing me about something ( or always telling the truth, trying to correct me--he did a lot of that with me ever since freshman basketball tryouts [by the way, he cut me]), but I was so blessed to be around him all those years at the high school and on the golf course. What a gentleman.

But Coach Scotty wouldn't have gambled on that racing lizard. Although he seemed to coach every other sport at the school, I don't think he coached track. But he could recognize an athlete from afar or close up. Why do you think he cut me?

IS THERE ANY BETTER TIME?

I cheated. I admit it. It only came to me recently. In a thought, a reflection, an instant slap if not in the face on the side of the head. And here's my spirited assertion: THERE IS SIMPLY NO OTHER FEELING LIKE THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.

Nothing comparable. And that's how I cheated. I taught high school for 30 years. I was fortunate to bringing an end to 30 additional school years denied those that even with advanced degrees could not get close to that number. I received more than I should have!

Think back. To getting your report card in hand (I imagine they don't even do that now) and walking home from school (does anyone do that anymore?) and walking on air, singing "School's Out For The Summer" (actually when I was doing that on College Ave. in MTV it was "School's Out, School's Out; Teachers Let The Monkeys Out").

"One jumped in, one jumped out; one jumped in the sauerkraut," were the only additional lyrics I remember, but what a time.

The anticipation, the freedom, the expectations, the release--it's simply incomparable to any other. A touch perhaps of Auld Lang Syne, but just a euphoric rush that even with the best of intentions and start-overs can't compare.

Usually after two weeks, most become bored. Miss their friends. Actually miss the regimentation of the daily grind. But in those two weeks, it's a great feeling.

And I and other pedagogues milked additional end of school happiness that we shouldn't have. No one should be allowed that much pleasure.

THE INJUSTICE

Having just returned from Canada, I can tell you the discrimination at our Northern neighbor is well, discriminating.

Every time we left the ship in Victoria and Vancouver we had to take our documented cruise card. Plus our passports. I mean I was saddled by all the papers I had to carry. And, I'll be darned, at Victoria they also asked for a photo id to prove I was who it said I was on our Princess cruise card. Can you imagine?

The embarrassment. The time wasted. I mean it took me a fiftieth of a minute to provide documentation. You'd have thought I was a foreigner. Oh, yeah, I was. Well, I'm for Open Borders as the placards said held by several not old enough to vote. But that was in Arizona where they are really unreasonable. I travel so much that sometimes I forget which country I'm in. Especially when I call a business and get the recording "If you want to continue, press 1 for English". What? In my own country where the language spoken is English?

Well, you can see how callous I have become. How ethnocentric. Since I moved to Arizona.

One more rant, and I promise I'm finished with this racist, bigoted, pig-headed entry. Oh, never mind. I won't change anyone's opinion by my logical reasoning. People who understand illegality are with me and those who see no problem with not enforcing the law as it is written are in opposition.

So whaccha gonna do?

RAIN WAS KIND TO STAY AWAY ANOTHER DAY

Anytime you go on a trip, a holiday, or a vacation and can avoid rain, it is a good thing. We didn't totally avoid it, but we came close. Only in San Francisco did the weather thwart our plans.

But when you travel from LA to Santa Barbara to SF to Astoria, Oregon, to Seattle to Victoria and Vancouver in Canada and only encounter one day of bad weather, not counting one lousy day at sea when waves reached 14 feet giving our ship some uncalled for rocking, well you've been fortunate.

Princess, specifically Sapphire Princess was our vessel and is near to the top if not our new favorite cruise line. Service, excursions, of course food, and our room are main reasons. It's the most laid back cruise we've been on. Other cruise lines seem to try to make you have a good time. Constant announcements about a bingo game or dance class or wine tasting or art auction or, worst yet, pool games disrupt me way too much. I'll find something to do. Honestly. So you don't have to remind me with inane announcements.

One flaw we found was they were too laid back when it came to finding your specific tour. There were few if any cruise reps to help you once you got to the pier. I know. Baby needs help there. Well, just a little. The same with exiting the ship Saturday morning. We were delayed because of Vancouver port authorities, but there was no announcement at all telling when we could disembark (I'm always reminded of a stupid Laverne and Shirley show where when Squiggy was told to disembark, he started barking saying "I thought they said 'do some barks'.")

So maybe a little too laid back for me.

An extra day in Vancouver was the perfect touch. We hadn't been to the city for 8 years, enjoyed Granville Island, a hop on hop off, a nice non cruise meal of pizza and salad, some shopping and next morning church services at a beautiful First Baptist Church where next Sunday we were told Slick Willie would be in attendance. A tour bus driver told us that using the former Prez's moniker. No one made mention of it at the church, but hey, I'm glad he's going to attend. I hope he enjoys the worship time as much as we.

Off to the airport where I lost my favorite pair of sunglasses because an airport security guy thought my wife's curling iron a knife. Everything unloaded. But not everything loaded back.

Oh well, a small price to pay, I guess for a great sojourn. And, oh yeah, the Chinese writing spells out RAIN.

MARINERVILLE

We had flown into Seattle but hadn't touched foot in the Emerald City until Thursday, May 13. What a day we had!

First our weather was perfect. Every local we encountered talked about how blessed, lucky, or fortunate we were to experience bright sunshine and a 72 degree temp this time of year. But that's what we had and it put all in good moods.

One story and then a list. Edgewater Hotel in Seattle sits well at the edge of Elliot Bay which feeds into Puget Sound and/or the Washington River. It was to be built for the 1962 World's Fair, but its completion didn't meet the deadline. It suffered financially until a marketing campaign appeal to fishermen to stay and fish from their rooms.

Sure enough, the hotel gave out fishing rods and reels to their customers who like The Beatles who stayed there in 1964 fished outside their windows. And it worked for awhile.

Until people started wanting to keep their fish as pets. Some filled the bathtub and used salt shakers to try to simulate salt water for their salmon. Didn't work. Fish died. Fish stunk. Edgewater became Stinkywater as they found other lame attempts at keeping fish alive and covering them up, literally to cause the hotel to abandon its practice. However successful it had been, it must have turned the tide (another pun) because they're still in business today.

And the list--Space Needle is great with awesome views including Mt. Ranier; Pike's Market continuous since 1907 ditto--great sausage from Uli's; a city of 6 hills--maybe that's why I noticed some shapely legs on many female Seattlites; clean, clean city; Argosy boat trip through locks gives a great coastal experience of sights; Belltown and the historic district not to be missed; Qwest Stadium known for bad weather, but Seattle only gets 37 inches of rain per year; however, it drizzles from September to July 5 most everyday with temperatures in the upper 70's in the Summer down to 30 in Winter with 229 days of clouds, 169 completely cloudy days (no wonder they love their coffee); first Starbucks in 1971 on the corner by the Pike's Market, also headquartered there; big art city with a stainless steel tree and a big typewriter eraser piece displayed.

All in all, a city that I have more respect for that when I came. And I didn't hear one word about their statue to the Marxist Lenin, but Rev Mark Driscoll told me it was there.