IF SNOWBIRDS ARE IN SEASON, WHY CAN'T WE SHOOT 'EM?

I'd like to take credit for that line, but I have to defer to the AZ Republic edition 1/19/08. I thought it humorous, keeping in mind we do reside in the Old West.

While traffic maybe snarled a little more, while lines at grocery stores, restaurants, and movies may be longer, we love the birds. Even if they take some prime tee times and cause the price for a round of golf to escalate. We like them because they help our economy greatly.

This weekend, not one but two huge car auctions have come to Scottsdale. Big auctions where some cars will sell for over $1 million. In two weeks the Phoenix area will host a football game. Tickets are estimated as being available at $5,000 per ticket. For one football game. Throw in a golf tourney the same weekend, and estimates rise to an additional 1 million visitors that week alone.

During that same time, the PGA will appear in a the most raucous golf tournament in the world. Born the Phoenix Open, it now is called the FBR for some bank, I think. But it's great theatre, especially at the 16th hole. Crowds for the week should near the 500,000 mark counting practice rounds and pro-ams. Last year's Saturday crowd surpassed 180,000 if I'm not mistaken.

Our plan: purchase a couple of $15 tickets for Sunday. By the time we arrive after church and traffic, many are heading to Super Bowl parties. We'll nestle in at number 14 or so and follow the last group till the end of the tourney. Last year we had a front row view of the winning putt on number 18, went home to arrive late first quarter for the Super Bowl. That's our plan again this year. Now that I've defeated the Super Bowl/FBR flu that I got for three years in a row during that weekend.

But I can't blame that on the snowbirds. Or can I? It could have been a cold germ(pun) from the great north. A flu bug carried southerly by a Packer fan who actually likes to shovel snow, but was dragged here by a cold blooded wife.

So I amend my premise. Snowbirds are welcomed here in AZ, but only if they're healthy.

SO IS IT OVER OR NOT?

With 10 minutes to go in Wednesday night's series Comanche Moon, I fell asleep. Typically, I woke up at the last thirty seconds when the ranger's son is alone and looking out into the Old West.

My wife filled me in on what I'd missed. But neither she nor I could tell if it was over or not. The mini-series I mean. Of course we knew the show was over. I mean c'mon it was 10 o'clock, past my bedtime for three night in a row. So, no wonder I fell asleep.

But it didn't seem to end right. It seems like there should be three more episodes. Lonesome Dove took a lot longer. And Comanche Moon was good.

My wife even remembered where Lonesome Dove picks up from Comanche Moon. So I think it's over, with Ricky Shroeder being alone. "Come back, Shane," is all I remember. OK, I know that's from another Western. What I remember about Lonesome Dove is the parrt where the guy slugs his horse. Huh? Blazing Saddles? Well, I knew it was a Western.

Anyway(s), I love Westerns. But before the Old West was discovered, why weren't there Easterns? I don't know. Yesterday I thought it was the pancakes. Maybe it's the cold after another heavy frost last night. But I really don't know if the mini-series continues or not.

ANOTHER BIT OF GRADE SCHOOL MISINFO

When did they drop the g on orangutang? I know that was not just a little Southern Illinois coming out in me. Everyone called it orangutang, didn't they? Then, of course, it became orangutan. That's simply not right.

What if we just started dropping last consonents of the animal kingdom at random. A goat becomes a goa; a dog a do; a rabbit becomes a rabbi. That's wrong.

Wouldn't it make more sense to drop the first letter? They would still be ranutang, oat, og, and abbit. Or, be creative and select which one letter you want to drop. Orangtang, gat, dg, rabit.

I mean it's not rocket science. And it's not like they just chose to drop a planet or something. They did? There's no more Pluto? What about Plut?

Well, if that's the case, let's take out a number to even things out. I mean I don't want anybody discriminating against math. I propose 6. That way, there's no 666 to worry about. It would also get students through school quicker when they could go directly from grade 5 to grade 7. (Actually in the old days, you could do that; in fact, that's exactly what happened to my mom. Yep, no 6th grade. No misspelling of orangutan that year for her.)

You, loyal reader(s) probably think I'm sill. Sorr; tun i tomorro. Maybe it was the pancakes I had for breakfast.

COFFEE--IT JUST SOUNDS GOOD

I'm really not a coffee lover. Oh, I'm getting ready to have another cup as I type, but it will only be my second of the morning and my last. I'm a black coffee drinker only. I drink it only in the morning. And if I don't get my coffee, well that's ok, too.

But it just sounds so good. It looks good, too, when you see someone in the movies with a big mug of coffee. But cigarettes look good in movies, too. A cigarette and cup of coffee, well that just exudes cool. Appearance wise. Breath-wise is another story.

A college friend of mine, chubby as a youth, decided to quit eating. I was around him a lot, and he hardly ever, ever ate. Soup maybe, but I just don't remember him eating. When we'd go out to eat, he'd just drink. I know I'm blocking it out, but I just don't remember him eating. But he drank coffee. All day long. He'd pour water over old grounds late in the day. He didn't care. He did chew gum. While he was drinking coffee. Is there anything worse that chewing gum soaked in coffee? Well, I'm sure there is, but I found myself standing way out of breath shot when talking to him.

I know lots of night time coffee drinkers, including my wife after a big meal with desert. De-caf for her. I've tried it when I've had a sore throat or something, but there's no appeal after my morning bout.

Neither son nor daughter drink coffee. The former will drink a morning soda, and that still hurts me. "It's all caffeine; what difference does it make?" He also eats cold pizza sometimes for breakfast. That hurts me, too. Not as much as another college friend of mine who drank a beer at 6:00 AM when he awoke. Our daughter drinks hot water some mornings. Sometimes with tea;sometimes not.

Now if we put them all together, I'd have to say the worst is the morning wake up beer, followed by the gum chewing coffee, followed by the hot water, followed by the early soda and cold pizza. But if I reversed those, there wouldn't be a whole lot of difference.

I could also add any coffee with sugar, sweetener, or cream in it as being distasteful to me, too.

RETURN OF THE TELEVSION TEST PATTERNS

Just to be helpful, I'd like to offer the television stations an idea. Since the Writer's Guild is apparently not going to end its strike very soon, why not return to the old tv test patterns when there's nothing on?

I mean why not? After all there hasn't been much on tv worth watching for several years now anyway(s), so why not give the people absolutely nothing? You've gotten close, but there are always a few good shows to watch, even if you have to find something else to do the rest of the time.

So, simply go to your files and retrieve the old test patterns. Or feel free to use the one I provided. Oh, you might have to update it somewhat. I'm sure the Native person in headdress would be offensive to some. In addition to race, try to keep gender out of it, too. You can't be too careful these days.

Feel free to interrupt the test pattern with commercials. A lot of commercials like regular tv. And try to keep them annoying. I can't suggest too much change. I mean it is called an idiot box for good reason.

NO WAY I'M GOING TO MAKE THAT CLIMB

I thought that a few years back when we went to Cornwall, England, and came across Mount St. Michael. We parked at the base of the hill and the huge abbey facing us was intimidating. We made it though to the top, and it was well worth it.

Recently in Africa, we encountered some sand dunes in Zimbabwe. We were there to eat at a Boma in the great African desert. A barbecue, tents, a Charlie Brown Christmas tree with lights, African drummers and dancers, and sand dunes surrounding us. Dunes are formed by the wind and mist from the nearby ocean that commingled together to form the dunes. Golden in Zimbabwe, some we saw near Durban were red from iron deposits. Some were pyramidal, at least one that some climbed, sheltered by the bigger ones.

Having climbed the bridge at Sydney, Australia, our daughter, I knew would want to climb the biggest dune. I also knew she would talk me into making the ascent, too.

"I'll start out, but I don't know how high I'll go," I warned. Some of the climb was quite easy. Some very difficult. All sorts of other guests were making the same climb at the same time prior to dinner in the dunes. Some took off their shoes; they seemed to move faster. Others, like us, just dug in.

After a few stops for breathing, we made it to the top of the 3oo foot dune. And what was up there? More dunes to look down on, but none were taller.

Descending was easier. I didn't even hear the voice of my chiropractor asking what I thought I was doing. I heard Dr. Charles' voice a lot on the way up. Also the voice of my wife. Something about how I know no moderation.

We got some good pictures. But you may ask why we did it. Because it was there, of course.

PITNEY

I wonder if the Pitney albums are included? I wonder if anyone remembers Gene Pitney?

Pitney was sorta like Roy Orbison. That is, he had a range that was tough to duplicate. He was imitated by a lot of us guys back then. But most did a pretty weak rendition of him. I remember Wayne Grant, known more for his baseball pitching than singing, came about the closest.

But Pitney was a lost love singer. What I mean is he had tough experiences and somehow came up empty handed. Just some of his titles will tell you that: "Only Love Can Break a Heart," "Looking Through the Eyes of Love," "Lonely Drifter," et. al. But he wasn't country music whining. He just hadn't found the right gal. Or if he had, he'd lost her. That's the way it was with a bunch of my buds and me back then. So even though Pitney appealed more to girls, we kinda liked him, too.

Now, back to my first sentence. A friend of mine comes to AZ to be a snow bird for the months of January and February. Our son got to keep my stack of albums from the 60's and 70's. Our daughter, music lover that she is, decided she wanted them just before Scott was going to put them on Ebay. So my MTV friend brought them out with him.

Although we played golf together last week, we haven't made the albums exchange, or dish off. So I don't know what's still there. Oh, I know there will be Beatles, Stones, the Association, Simon and Garfunkle, Strawberry Alarm Clock, Vanilla Fudge, and Roy. I'm certain there will be Pitney, but I don't recall how many albums. You see, I also had him on 8 track tapes--wow!