CONSULT JANUS

In mythology Janus sat above a doorway or portal and would look to the the future, that is, those who walked through. But she had another side to her that could look to the past as well.

Since I can't even see the past clearly, well at least according to some of my liberal friends, then there's no way I could discern the future, according to anyone.

I'm afraid I've always been that way. "Saturday's coming up tomorrow?" probably best describes my world view. Or, "I didn't know it was lunch time," when I arrived at 1:30 or two o'clock to eat my warmed up food, pre-microwave days when I was a child of 9 or so.

When I'd missed out on asking the girl(s) I wanted to take to Homecoming Dances because I was unaware of the date of the dance, I was left with appeals from friends of girls who hadn't been asked by anyone, or to take my second or third tier of girl choices based on how quickly I could recover and find out when the well-in-advanced-so-advertised dance would occur. (I just looked at the syntax of that weirdly worded sentence. Diagram that baby, Gertrude.)

After one registration for classes at college and looking at the classes I wanted covered with Closed orange designation cards, I became more aware of time. I registered early and often from then on.

Now, I'm extremely time oriented. If I'm picking the guys up for golf, they know I'll be at least ten minutes early. I'm almost never late to anything.

But that doesn't mean I can see ahead much more than the lunch time or dance days. So if you're looking to see what I see for the year 2010, you've come to the wrong blog.

ENJOY: DON'T DESTROY IN 2010

The last few years of my teaching career, our school decided to come up with a theme or a motto for the school year. A sort of mission statement that students were supposed to get geeked about. You know, pumped up, excited about, take to heart.

Now if you've ever been around high school students much, you know that there ain't no motto they're going to get all jazzed about. "Sex, drugs, and rock and roll," might be the closest mantra to at least some of MTV's finest back in the day.

Some of the ones I remember were "Believe it; Achieve It--Make This Year Count." "Don't Settle for Less; Be the Best." And "Be Number One." In fact the last one seemed to be incorporated in all the others in later themes.

But if given the task of sloganning, theming, or mottoing for our country, I guess one could do worse than "Enjoy: Don't destroy."

There's so much to enjoy in our land. And so many who seem heck-bent on doing destruction to the land and its people. Some of them reside in our nation's Capital. I think I'll leave it at that on the first day of a new year. On the first day of a new decade.

Enjoy 2010 all you can, all the time. If you have the gall, try also to be Number One.

WE HAVE OUR TAILS OR TALES FOR 2009

"And that was the year that was," a paraphrase of Walter Cronkite's sign off.

There are plenty of reviews on the newsstands, at the grocery store check out lines, on the world wide web, that you don't need an encapsulation by me.

We have our own reviews done mentally or kept in a book or ledger of some sort. In fact, I was just reviewing mine. It was a Christmas gift from our realtor last year. The important stuff I write down are meetings, golf scores and birdies, haircuts and other appointments.

Not counting on another one from our neighbor-salesman, I suggested a nice leather kinda looking one for Christmas. Of course my wife obliged, especially since she got it at the Christian Bookstore. She almost never refuses a request from there. If they only made Christian 3-woods.

But it is cool, complete with bible readings and charts and measurements and time zones; probably more stuff than I need, but it's an impressive book that I already have entries filled in. My first was that I am in charge of an emergency that may occur at the church on January 3. Now that's scary.

You see, every year we (the elder board) give the staff time off around Christmas, including our pastoral staff. So the elders have to cover. Last year I had no emergencies on my date and since my term is up in January, this is my last official duty. So I'm hoping for a smooth 1/3/10. I don't think I'm a real emergency guy.

Not that I wouldn't try. I'm just not very good at most things that might fall under that category. Just yesterday I had to change a light bulb that literally blew out above our kitchen table. First of all, I didn't even get all the glass from the bulb picked up until the fourth or fifth try. It was frosted and identical in color to our tile, so maybe I could be forgiven for that one.

Could I do it? Could I go to the garage, retrieve the ladder, reach over the table that extends and change 3 bulbs (we made executive decisions that we would lower the wattage and kind of bulbs after the blow up) including pulling out the remains of the one gone bust? Nope.

I had to get my wife, she of smaller hands, to pull out filament and what was left of the bulb including the screw-in part.

So if the church has its first emergency in 2010, I hope my wife is home.

Happy New Year! I'd say, "Have a Happy, safe, and prosperous New Year," but I'm not sure that's pc anymore.

SO WHYS COME

as a neighborhood friend used to say, don't old people slide for exercise?


It may not be the best cardio, but it certainly wouldn't be the worst either. I mean we walk while our younger neighbors jog. Why shouldn't we slide?

It's only climbing a few steps. Most could handle that. The act of going down the "slicky slide" isn't too demanding or exhilarating. It shouldn't tax one too much either way.

After the descent, a walk back to the steps is at least more calorie burning than flipping channels on the remote. Although to be honest, it may not be as far a walk as that made to the fridge.

It can be repeated all day. At least it seemed like we went sliding (no one ever used the past tense and said we slided or slud, to use a Dizzy Dean expression) for entire mornings before we tired.

When we did we headed for the swings. Which could be another activity for the older ones. Not many calories or cardios burned there, but variety has its own rewards sometimes, too.

I can just see it now--Parks for Seniors. Just leave off those big spring horses. Our balance may not be what it once was.

JUST THAT KIND OF DAY

I recently got one of those funny e-mails that people like to send to those on their address list. It talked about a man who was allergic to gravity. I liked that because I've said for a long time when someone trips or falls, "There must be a whole lot of gravity around here."

But it seems that there is truth in two expressions that the beaver pictured (by the way, I saw the other day that Beaver Cleaver's Mom turned 94. Are you kidding me? How did she get that old? She shared the same birthday as Cricket [Christine] on The Young and Restless. How can that be that she is 41? When did all this aging happen?) experienced in the photo.

"I shoulda stood in bed?" Actually, I never understood that one. It sounds sorta New Yorkien to me, but I assumed it meant "stayed in bed". We've all had those days. Or "I got up on the wrong side of the bed." I know that one doesn't exactly fit, because that implies grumpiness; plus, it's usually not said in first person, but by an observer. So maybe the beaver picture has only one application after all.

For me, it's stoplights. Some days I literally get the red lights at every possible intersection. In Scottsdale, there is no logic to how long one can wait or how long a green light will last. With one exception. Scottsdale Road will allow the driver to go for several lights if one keeps his speed at 47 mph. The speed limit, rarely observed out here, is 45, but if the driver can hold it at 47, he can go for miles and miles as the old song goes before a red light will appear.

But when I'm getting all those reds, I lose patience pretty quickly. I'm getting better, but if I'm alone and have been stopped because of a wreck ahead of me, I've been known to yell, hit the roof over my head or the steering wheel, and yes honk, though I don't like to do that anymore. I live in the West where there are too many gun-packing folks that may have more self control in traffic, but less self control to honkers.

But sometimes I do feel like that Beaver. The other Beaver, too, but those stories are for other entries On The QT.

CRUDE, RUDE, DOWNRIGHT GROSS

Thankfully I know none of the first graders in this picture taken at a grade school in MTV. Why thankfully?

Come on, close readers. Look carefully at the picture on the left. Now you see it.

That mean teacher is disciplining that cute little girl in green. Her stinking foot is stuck right up to the girl's nose. Plus, her other sock is off, too. Is she planning another frontal assault? Is she going to extend her right leg and make the little gray shirted boy take a whiff, too?

I'm telling you, that teacher is evil. She's totally ignoring the little girl on the end whose hand is raised high, begging to be seen. I surmise that the girl in purple has a little better sniffer than the others and is sickened by the aroma emanating from the sweaty teacher's sweaty feet

Back in my day as a student, no teacher would have been able to get away with that kind of maltreatment. Oh they might have been able to rap you with a ruler, toss an eraser at you to get your attention, or paddle you. But you didn't have to share or partake in any of their bodily disfunctions. Other than bad breath which generally went with being a teacher and having a dry mouth because of all the yelling.

CHAMPIONSHIP SUNDAY

That's today in the MVRL Fantasy Football League. Loyal readers now I play fantasy baseball and football. It's a passion.

When our baseball team, The Flying Chaucers, won our first championship this Fall, Brent (my co-owner) and I celebrated 1,700 miles apart. In fact, we're still still feeling good about our title.

Last weekend was the semi-finals or Final Four for our football league. Chris (my co-owner in football) and I coach The Burrowing Owls. But we lost in the semi's. By one yard.

Had our wide receiver DeSean Jackson, whom we selected as a rookie two seasons ago, gained one more yard last Sunday, we would be playing for the championship today. He didn't so we aren't.

Had Big Ben Rothelisingtonberger, or whatever the heck his name is, not thrown a last second touchdown pass against the Packers, we would be playing for the championship today. He did so we aren't.

Had we played our back up quarterback and back up running back instead of two of our starters we'd be playing for the championship today. We didn't so we aren't.

That's fantasy football. It will haunt the Owls till next year's draft. The One That Got Away.